Not only am I a family law lawyer but I am a wife and step-mom which means prior to marrying my husband, I dated him and had to build relationships with his children.
Dating a man or woman with children is not always easy but for me it worked out. In the process of dating my husband, I learned a few things that may help others in the same situation.
Always remember the children really are the most important people in your dating relationship. They did not choose for their parents to be divorced, for their parents to live apart, and for you to be part of their family or in their lives. They had no say in any of it and they are the most affected by all of it. While you and your significant other are enjoying each other’s company, they may be resenting your intrusion into their already upside down lives. And because they are children, even if they are teenagers, they do not have the capacity to process the situation in an adult manner.
The first thing to keep in mind is you never know when your significant other will be embroiled in a custody battle and he or she needs to act accordingly. You can help him do that by being understanding of limitations your relationship will have because he has children.
Here are some guidelines if you are dating someone with children:
1. Don’t spend the night in your boyfriend or girlfriend’s bed when the kids are with him/her.
Dating a man or woman with children is not always easy but for me it worked out. In the process of dating my husband, I learned a few things that may help others in the same situation.
Always remember the children really are the most important people in your dating relationship. They did not choose for their parents to be divorced, for their parents to live apart, and for you to be part of their family or in their lives. They had no say in any of it and they are the most affected by all of it. While you and your significant other are enjoying each other’s company, they may be resenting your intrusion into their already upside down lives. And because they are children, even if they are teenagers, they do not have the capacity to process the situation in an adult manner.
The first thing to keep in mind is you never know when your significant other will be embroiled in a custody battle and he or she needs to act accordingly. You can help him do that by being understanding of limitations your relationship will have because he has children.
Here are some guidelines if you are dating someone with children:
1. Don’t spend the night in your boyfriend or girlfriend’s bed when the kids are with him/her.
2. Don’t insist on doing everything with your significant other and his or her children. Give them space and time to be together. You really are an outsider and even if the children really like you, they want to spend time with their father or mother alone, without someone else around. That is their family. At this point you are not family. If you insist on spending all of the parent’s time with his or her kids, the kids will eventually resent you.
3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is not the primary conservator and has a visitation/possession schedule, schedule your dates and alone time together when the children are with the other parent. You don’t want to be known by the kids as the person who is taking their father or mother away from them all the time.
4. Never talk badly about your significant other’s ex to the kids or in front of them. Talking badly about the ex hurts the entire situation in several ways. It hurts your significant other’s custody battle. The children will not appreciate their parent’s new boyfriend or girlfriend talking badly about their parent; they may even resent you for it.
5. Don’t get discouraged if the children don’t like you. Eventually they may come around. Just don’t try too hard. Kids can sense this.
6. Don’t get mad, frustrated, or take offense when your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to spend time with his/her kids without you. Time alone with his or her kids is important.
7. Don’t date a person with children if you are not willing to come second to the children. This is perhaps the hardest of all. Your relationship will not work if you have to come first all the time and are not willing to be flexible.
8. If there are plans to marry your significant other, don’t be in a hurry. Kids need time. You and your boyfriend or girlfriend need time to work through all the relationships involved to make sure it will work. It is not good for the kids at all to go through yet another divorce. Sixty-seven percent of second marriages end in divorce and seventy-three percent of third marriages end in divorce (See http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/07/why-second-and-third-marriages-fail_n_1324379.html). So there is no need to be in a rush.
9. Never discipline your significant other’s children in any way.
Dating a person with children is not always easy - you have to have thick skin, but the rewards can be great if you persevere and observe these guidelines.
Ami J. Decker
www.famlawtex.com
