Children don’t ask for their parents to divorce. It happens with no input from them and they are left to deal with it and the two people in their lives who are suppose to protect them and help them deal with their feelings may be perpetuating bad feelings for the other parent.
Saying bad things about one parent by the other parent to the children should never happen. You may hate the spouse you are divorcing but that person is still one of the two most significant people in your child’s life and your child needs to know it is still OK to love him or her even though you all don’t live together anymore. If you are trashing your spouse saying he’s “controlling” or “mean” or you say she is the cause of the divorce, your children are not going to feel free to love that parent or may even feel guilty for loving the other parent. And maybe that is your goal. Keep in mind, what you say about your child’s other parent will affect your child for the rest of his life.
You don’t even have to say anything for children to pick up on your disdain for your spouse and that, too, will affect your child. Your children will sense your feelings for your spouse. They will feel your hate and see the anger on your face. And that, too, will affect their relationship with their other parent. Whether you want it or not, your child needs and craves a positive relationship with both of his parents.
In some cases, parents actions may reach the level of Parental Alienation. Parental Alienation is when children express an unreasonable hate or dislike for one parent making visitation or possession by the parent hated by the child difficult. In Parental Alienation situations the child’s feelings have been influenced by the negative comments or actions of one parent about the other parent. Sometimes the actions of the parents are overt but others are covert in their alienation.
Parental Alienation can take many forms:
1. Denying phone contact with the other parent by turning off the phone, not answering the phone, or simply making sure you are not around when the phone calls are suppose to occur.
2. Discouraging or even withholding contact with the other parent by flat denying contact, cutting visits short, moving to a location making visitation on a regular basis difficult if not impossible, or requiring the other parent to meet unusual criteria to be able to visit with his/her children.
3. Verbally criticizing the other parent with derogatory comments, pointing out the other parents faults or mistakes, or telling stories about the other parent.
4. Intimidating the child by mocking or criticizing the child’s interest or affection for the other parent, making them feel bad for loving the other parent, punishing the child by removing privileges or affection after time spent with the other parent, or requiring the child to perform additional chores or meet strict criteria to be rewarded with time with the other parent.
It is vital to a child’s feelings of self-esteem and security to be allowed to love both of their parents free from punishment, shame, manipulation or control.
Parental Alienation is a form of child abuse that most judges, and all family law judges in Tarrant County are familiar with. When it is shown in court that one parent or the other is engaging in any of the above activities, the Judge knows the parent is attempting to alienate the child from the other parent and rules accordingly. Judges want to know that the parent with primary custody of the child is not only going to refrain from engaging in alienating activities but will encourage and foster a positive, loving relationship with the other parent. And judges will award custody accordingly.
Sure it is natural for one parent to be angry at the other parent during a divorce, and to display that anger in front of the kids. But you should never put your kids in that position. Find a friend, counselor, or therapist to vent that anger to. Leave your children out of it. Remember they love you both, need you both, and didn’t ask for the ugliness that often accompanies divorce.
Ami J. Decker
www.famlawtex.com
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