Tips for Dating During and After Divorce

Not only am I a Texas family law attorney, I am also a wife and step-mother.  As a result of being both a family law lawyer and step-mother, I have specific ideas and recommendations for those dating while going through a divorce and those dating after the divorce is final.

You never know when you will be caught up in a custody battle so it is important to keep that in mind as you date.  It is not a particularly romantic notion, but when you have children, a certain level of practicality is necessary.

As a Texas divorce lawyer, I know the Texas Family Code requires courts to always act in the best interest of children.  As a result, it is important to conduct yourself in your dating life in such a way that the court will see you are acting in the best interest of your children.

Since you never know when you will find yourself embroiled in a custody battle and because they are truly in the best interest of the children, here are some guidelines for a divorcing or divorced and dating parent:

1.    Don’t introduce every single person you date to your children particularly if you tend to date multiple people at the same time or move from one person to another person rather often.  This may mean for a period of time, you are only seeing the person you are dating during the times you do not have possession of your children.  Make sure if you introduce your boyfriend or girlfriend to your kiddos, you are certain your relationship is going to last.

2.    Don’t have your boyfriend/girlfriend spend the night in your bed when the children are with you.
 
3.    Do not allow your boyfriend or girlfriend to discipline your child in any way.

4.    It is best not to live with the person you are dating.

5.    Don’t invite your boyfriend or girlfriend to every outing you have with your children; your children want time alone with you and judges want to see that when you have your children, you spend quality time with them and not with them and your significant other.  And if your boyfriend/girlfriend begrudges your time with your children, you need to seriously consider if this person is really the right person for you.  Your new boyfriend or girlfriend must realize that your children are your top priority and if he or she doesn’t get this, it is time for you to move on.           

6.    Do not dump your children at your parent’s house or other family member(s)’ homes so you can go out or spend time with your girlfriend/boyfriend.

7.    Do not allow your significant other to talk badly about your ex-spouse or soon-to-be ex-spouse in front of your kids.

8.    Do encourage your boyfriend/girlfriend to speak kindly and respectfully about your ex when with your children.  This may mean you have to curtail your badmouthing your ex to your new boyfriend/girlfriend.

9.    Put your children first; that is what the Court expects you to do because it is in the best interest of your children.  Remember, the best interest of your children is what the judge has to determine so make it easy for him/her
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10.    Do not make life-altering decisions for your boyfriend or girlfriend like packing up the kiddos and moving somewhere far away from their other parent or packing up and moving yourself far away from your children such that you cannot see them on a regular basis, attend extracurricular activities, or actively participate in their education by attending school events or parent-teacher conferences.

These things are often difficult but in the end it will pay off, if not in a custody battle, in the lives of your children.  Your children will remember and as adults will appreciate that you put them before anyone else.

Ami J. Decker
www.famlawtex.com

Parental Alienation

Children don’t ask for their parents to divorce.  It happens with no input from them and they are left to deal with it and the two people in their lives who are suppose to protect them and help them deal with their feelings may be perpetuating bad feelings for the other parent.

Saying bad things about one parent by the other parent to the children should never happen.  You may hate the spouse you are divorcing but that person is still one of the two most significant people in your child’s life and your child needs to know it is still OK to love him or her even though you all don’t live together anymore.  If you are trashing your spouse saying he’s “controlling” or “mean”  or you say she is the cause of the divorce, your children are not going to feel free to love that parent or may even feel guilty for loving the other parent.  And maybe that is your goal.  Keep in mind, what you say about your child’s other parent will affect your child for the rest of his life.

You don’t even have to say anything for children to pick up on your disdain for your spouse and that, too, will affect your child.  Your children will sense your feelings for your spouse.  They will feel your hate and see the anger on your face.  And that, too, will affect their relationship with their other parent.  Whether you want it or not, your child needs and craves a positive relationship with both of his parents.

In some cases, parents actions may reach the level of Parental Alienation.  Parental Alienation is when children express an unreasonable hate or dislike for one parent making visitation or possession by the parent hated by the child difficult.  In Parental Alienation situations the child’s feelings have been influenced by the negative comments or actions of one parent about the other parent.  Sometimes the actions of the parents are overt but others are covert in their alienation.

Parental Alienation can take many forms: 

1.    Denying phone contact with the other parent by turning off the phone, not answering the phone, or simply making sure you are not around when the phone calls are suppose to occur.

2.    Discouraging or even withholding contact with the other parent by flat denying contact, cutting visits short, moving to a location making visitation on a regular basis difficult if not impossible, or requiring the other parent to meet unusual criteria to be able to visit with his/her children.

3.    Verbally criticizing the other parent with derogatory comments, pointing out the other parents faults or mistakes, or telling stories about the other parent.

4.    Intimidating the child by mocking or criticizing the child’s interest or affection for the other parent, making them feel bad for loving the other parent, punishing the child by removing privileges or affection after time spent with the other parent, or requiring the child to perform additional chores or meet strict criteria to be rewarded with time with the other parent.

It is vital to a child’s feelings of self-esteem and security to be allowed to love both of their parents free from punishment, shame, manipulation or control.

Parental Alienation is a form of child abuse that most judges, and all family law judges in Tarrant County are familiar with.  When it is shown in court that one parent or the other is engaging in any of the above activities, the Judge knows the parent is attempting to alienate the child from the other parent and rules accordingly.  Judges want to know that the parent with primary custody of the child is not only going to refrain from engaging in alienating activities but will encourage and foster a positive, loving relationship with the other parent.  And judges will award custody accordingly.

Sure it is natural for one parent to be angry at the other parent during a divorce, and to display that anger in front of the kids.  But you should never put your kids in that position.  Find a friend, counselor, or therapist to vent that anger to.  Leave your children out of it.  Remember they love you both, need you both, and didn’t ask for the ugliness that often accompanies divorce.

Ami J. Decker
www.famlawtex.com