One of the recurring issues I see in my practice is problems between mothers and stepmothers; particularly if Dad has primary custody of the children. I was one of those stepmothers whose step-child primarily lived with his father. And me, of course.
I didn’t really have many problems with mom. But then again, I was very careful not to step on her toes. As a stepmother, it is important to remember you are not mom; no matter how many motherly things you do for your stepchild. Or how much better a mother you may think you are to your stepchild.
Stepmoms, whatever you do, don’t make the kids call you some form of mom. They should be allowed to call you whatever comes naturally, provided it is not derogatory. If that is some form of mom, that’s fine. But if it is something other than "mom," take no offense to that. You are not mom. Have enough respect for the person who gave birth to your step child to allow her that title without your interference. You are step mom no matter what you feel or want. It is just a name or a title. What the kids call you is not reflective of your relationship with the child. The kids are just lucky to have another person to care and love them.
On the other hand, moms, try not to get offended or hurt if your child wants to call step mom, "mom" or some form of it. Kids understand that role and when they are with dad, there is a woman there who fills that role. Your children mean no hurt to you. They are just kids - they don’t have the capacity to understand why that might hurt you.
Step moms: It is important, whenever possible, that your husband handle the discipline and the communication with Mom. But moms, you have to keep in mind that from time to time, as much as you may not like step mom, you will have to communicate with her so it is good to have a working relationship with her. You don’t have to like her, but you will have to communicate with her in such a way that will not cause your children grief or stress. For example, there may be times you are both at a doctor’s appointment or at a school event.
Neither Mom or step mom should talk badly to the kids or around the kids about the other mother (yes moms, the step mom is a mother). If your child likes step mom, you don’t want him to feel like he is doing something wrong. Try not to feel threatened by step mom.
Speaking as a step mom, it is not an easy role. I think it is more difficult than being a mom. As a step mom, you walk a fine line every day. No matter what happens, it is your fault; not dads and sometimes that is a difficult thing to live with.
From time to time, I have seen step moms driving the family bus; pushing litigation in modifications. Step moms - you are not in charge! Not of your stepkids or their mom. Step moms must take a back seat in the decision-making process with respect to the kids, even if the kids live primarily with you. Major decisions regarding your step kids are made by dad and mom; not you. You have to step back and take a back seat to mom. If you don’t, all you will do is cause everyone grief - your husband and the kids.
The important thing to keep in mind is respect. Whether you are Mom or step mom. Respect the other mother and her role in the kids’ lives. You can’t change that role and if you try to, the kids will pick up on it and resent you for putting them in the middle. They will never forget it and may never overcome it.
Ami J. Decker
www.famlawtex.com
Tarrant County Family Law
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Monday, July 16, 2012
Introduction to The Decker Law Firm, a Fort Worth Family Law Firm
We are trying out some videos. This one is an introduction to The Decker Law Firm. Tell me what topics you would like to see us cover in a video.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Dating Someone Divorced With Children
Not only am I a family law lawyer but I am a wife and step-mom which means prior to marrying my husband, I dated him and had to build relationships with his children.
Dating a man or woman with children is not always easy but for me it worked out. In the process of dating my husband, I learned a few things that may help others in the same situation.
Always remember the children really are the most important people in your dating relationship. They did not choose for their parents to be divorced, for their parents to live apart, and for you to be part of their family or in their lives. They had no say in any of it and they are the most affected by all of it. While you and your significant other are enjoying each other’s company, they may be resenting your intrusion into their already upside down lives. And because they are children, even if they are teenagers, they do not have the capacity to process the situation in an adult manner.
The first thing to keep in mind is you never know when your significant other will be embroiled in a custody battle and he or she needs to act accordingly. You can help him do that by being understanding of limitations your relationship will have because he has children.
Here are some guidelines if you are dating someone with children:
1. Don’t spend the night in your boyfriend or girlfriend’s bed when the kids are with him/her.
Dating a man or woman with children is not always easy but for me it worked out. In the process of dating my husband, I learned a few things that may help others in the same situation.
Always remember the children really are the most important people in your dating relationship. They did not choose for their parents to be divorced, for their parents to live apart, and for you to be part of their family or in their lives. They had no say in any of it and they are the most affected by all of it. While you and your significant other are enjoying each other’s company, they may be resenting your intrusion into their already upside down lives. And because they are children, even if they are teenagers, they do not have the capacity to process the situation in an adult manner.
The first thing to keep in mind is you never know when your significant other will be embroiled in a custody battle and he or she needs to act accordingly. You can help him do that by being understanding of limitations your relationship will have because he has children.
Here are some guidelines if you are dating someone with children:
1. Don’t spend the night in your boyfriend or girlfriend’s bed when the kids are with him/her.
2. Don’t insist on doing everything with your significant other and his or her children. Give them space and time to be together. You really are an outsider and even if the children really like you, they want to spend time with their father or mother alone, without someone else around. That is their family. At this point you are not family. If you insist on spending all of the parent’s time with his or her kids, the kids will eventually resent you.
3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is not the primary conservator and has a visitation/possession schedule, schedule your dates and alone time together when the children are with the other parent. You don’t want to be known by the kids as the person who is taking their father or mother away from them all the time.
4. Never talk badly about your significant other’s ex to the kids or in front of them. Talking badly about the ex hurts the entire situation in several ways. It hurts your significant other’s custody battle. The children will not appreciate their parent’s new boyfriend or girlfriend talking badly about their parent; they may even resent you for it.
5. Don’t get discouraged if the children don’t like you. Eventually they may come around. Just don’t try too hard. Kids can sense this.
6. Don’t get mad, frustrated, or take offense when your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to spend time with his/her kids without you. Time alone with his or her kids is important.
7. Don’t date a person with children if you are not willing to come second to the children. This is perhaps the hardest of all. Your relationship will not work if you have to come first all the time and are not willing to be flexible.
8. If there are plans to marry your significant other, don’t be in a hurry. Kids need time. You and your boyfriend or girlfriend need time to work through all the relationships involved to make sure it will work. It is not good for the kids at all to go through yet another divorce. Sixty-seven percent of second marriages end in divorce and seventy-three percent of third marriages end in divorce (See http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/07/why-second-and-third-marriages-fail_n_1324379.html). So there is no need to be in a rush.
9. Never discipline your significant other’s children in any way.
Dating a person with children is not always easy - you have to have thick skin, but the rewards can be great if you persevere and observe these guidelines.
Ami J. Decker
www.famlawtex.com
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Collaborative Law Divorces
Divorce is a difficult process to go through. Particularly if you have children. Divorce uses the same adversarial litigation process that all other court proceedings use, pitting one party against the other. Even as a divorce attorney, I have to wonder if this process is best for the children involved in the divorce. By its very nature, the litigation process fosters at the very least, ill will between a divorcing husband and wife. This ill will makes it more difficult for mom and dad to parent the children together moving forward.
Recently, I was trained in collaborative law. Collaborative law is a structured process whereby you and your spouse work with specially-trained attorneys to reach an agreement for your divorce, for your children, and your property. Some say it is a more civilized way to divorce. There are several benefits to the collaborative process. The major benefit if you have children is that it sets you up for a much better working relationship with your soon-to-be former spouse once you are divorced.
The collaborative process has three core principals that make it an effective way to divorce without completely decimating any sort of working relationship between the former spouses:
1. A pledge to not go to court;
2. An honest and open exchange of information by the spouses; and
3. An agreement factoring the highest priorities of both spouses and their children.
By encouraging cooperation and fostering respect, the Collaborative Law process helps parents and their children maintain their family connection while embracing new lives and learning to operate within the new family dynamic. Whether you choose the litigation route or the Collaborative Law process, divorce will be a significant event in your life and a difficult thing to go through, but Collaborative Law can guide you and your family through the process with compassion and lead you to a healthy new beginning. The Collaborative Law process may not be right for you; the litigation process may be the only method that will work for you.
There are other benefits to choosing the collaborative route. First, it allows the divorce process to be private; you will not be in and out of a courtroom, which is and must be open to the public. There is no such thing as a closed divorce proceeding in a courtroom.
Another benefit to collaborative law is that to a great extent, you get to manage the time line. When you divorce using the traditional litigation process, you are at the mercy of the availability of the court. It is very possible for the litigation process to take much longer if you were to take your divorce to final trial.
Another benefit is that often a mental health professional and financial professional are involved in the process to help you manage your emotions during the divorce process and aid in the division of your property. You don’t get this in the normal litigation procedure.
If you are interested in more information about the collaborative law process, The Decker Law Firm can answer your questions. We continue to handle divorces in the traditional manner. Providing collaborative law divorces provides us yet another way to effectively serve our clients. Every person must decide which method of divorce will work best in their particular situation. The Decker Law Firm is there to help you through the process whatever direction you choose to take.
Ami J. Decker
www.famlawtex.com
Recently, I was trained in collaborative law. Collaborative law is a structured process whereby you and your spouse work with specially-trained attorneys to reach an agreement for your divorce, for your children, and your property. Some say it is a more civilized way to divorce. There are several benefits to the collaborative process. The major benefit if you have children is that it sets you up for a much better working relationship with your soon-to-be former spouse once you are divorced.
The collaborative process has three core principals that make it an effective way to divorce without completely decimating any sort of working relationship between the former spouses:
1. A pledge to not go to court;
2. An honest and open exchange of information by the spouses; and
3. An agreement factoring the highest priorities of both spouses and their children.
By encouraging cooperation and fostering respect, the Collaborative Law process helps parents and their children maintain their family connection while embracing new lives and learning to operate within the new family dynamic. Whether you choose the litigation route or the Collaborative Law process, divorce will be a significant event in your life and a difficult thing to go through, but Collaborative Law can guide you and your family through the process with compassion and lead you to a healthy new beginning. The Collaborative Law process may not be right for you; the litigation process may be the only method that will work for you.
There are other benefits to choosing the collaborative route. First, it allows the divorce process to be private; you will not be in and out of a courtroom, which is and must be open to the public. There is no such thing as a closed divorce proceeding in a courtroom.
Another benefit to collaborative law is that to a great extent, you get to manage the time line. When you divorce using the traditional litigation process, you are at the mercy of the availability of the court. It is very possible for the litigation process to take much longer if you were to take your divorce to final trial.
Another benefit is that often a mental health professional and financial professional are involved in the process to help you manage your emotions during the divorce process and aid in the division of your property. You don’t get this in the normal litigation procedure.
If you are interested in more information about the collaborative law process, The Decker Law Firm can answer your questions. We continue to handle divorces in the traditional manner. Providing collaborative law divorces provides us yet another way to effectively serve our clients. Every person must decide which method of divorce will work best in their particular situation. The Decker Law Firm is there to help you through the process whatever direction you choose to take.
Ami J. Decker
www.famlawtex.com
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